Confidence is something we often recognize more easily in other people than in ourselves.
We notice the person who walks into a room and seems completely comfortable.
The manager who speaks with authority.
The person presenting an idea who seems certain about what they're saying.
The person who makes an important decision and appears completely sure about what they're doing.
We look at them and think:
I wish I had that kind of confidence.
But what if that person is nervous too?
I've learned that confidence doesn't necessarily mean believing you're the smartest, strongest or most capable person in the room.
Sometimes your heart is racing.
Sometimes you're questioning yourself.
Sometimes you're hoping nobody notices how nervous you are.
And you do it anyway.
Maybe confidence isn't the absence of doubt.
Maybe it's learning not to let doubt make every decision for you.
Confidence at Work
Work is one of the places where our confidence can be tested constantly.
As we take on more responsibility, there will eventually be situations where we don't immediately know the answer.
There will be people with more experience.
There will be difficult conversations.
There will be decisions people disagree with.
And sometimes we may find ourselves in an environment where we feel different from everyone around us.
For me, there were times when I was the only woman manager among male managers.
Being the only woman in the room can make you very aware of yourself.
You can start wondering whether people respect what you're saying or whether you need to prove that you belong there.
But constantly thinking about how everyone else sees you can distract you from the reason you're actually there.
You're there because you have a job to do.
Confidence at work isn't pretending you know everything.
It's knowing what you bring to the table.
It's being prepared.
It's speaking when you have something to contribute.
It's asking questions when you don't know something.
It's making a decision when a decision needs to be made.
And it's understanding that you don't need to become someone else to deserve your place in the room.
Walk Into the Room Like You Belong There
There is a particular kind of nervousness that comes with entering a room where you don't know anyone.
Maybe it's a meeting.
A work event.
A conference.
An interview.
Or simply a social gathering where everyone seems to know someone except you.
Your instinct might be to find the safest corner and hope someone eventually comes over to talk to you.
But sometimes confidence begins before we've said a single word.
Stand up straight.
Look around.
Make eye contact.
Smile.
Introduce yourself.
You don't need to walk into the room believing everyone is going to like you.
You simply need to walk in believing you have as much right to be there as anyone else.
And after that first conversation, the room usually becomes a little less intimidating.
Then you talk to another person.
And another.
Eventually, you may realize something else:
Most people aren't studying you nearly as closely as you imagined.
They're probably thinking about themselves too.
Talk About What You Know
Talking about something you've created can bring out a completely different kind of insecurity.
A project.
An idea.
A proposal.
Something you've worked hard on.
The more something matters to us, sometimes the more frightening it becomes to talk about because now we're exposing something we care about to someone else's opinion.
That's where preparation can make an enormous difference.
Know what you want to say.
Understand what you're presenting.
Know why it matters.
And then talk about it like it matters.
One thing we sometimes do when we're nervous is minimize ourselves before anyone else gets the opportunity.
“This might be a stupid idea, but...”
“I'm probably wrong...”
“I don't know if this makes any sense...”
We've already told the person listening not to take us seriously before we've even explained ourselves.
You don't need to know every answer to speak confidently about something you understand.
And if someone asks something you don't know, there is nothing wrong with saying:
“I don't know the answer to that yet, but I'll find out.”
Knowing what you don't know is not a weakness.
Sometimes confidence is simply being secure enough to admit it.
Confidence Doesn't Have to Be Loud
Confidence is sometimes confused with personality.
The loudest person in the room isn't necessarily the most confident.
The person who speaks the most isn't necessarily the person who knows the most.
And the quietest person isn't necessarily insecure.
You don't have to change your personality to become confident.
You can listen.
You can observe.
You can think before you speak.
And when you have something meaningful to contribute, you can say it without minimizing yourself.
There is a difference between needing everyone to notice you and knowing that your value doesn't depend on whether they do.
Confidence doesn't require an audience.
Confidence in the Roles That Matter Most
Not every question about confidence happens at work or in front of strangers.
Sometimes our biggest doubts happen privately.
Am I a good mother?
Am I a good wife or partner?
Am I a good friend?
These questions can actually be harder than questioning our abilities at work because there isn't always a clear way to measure the answer.
At work, we may complete a project, receive a promotion or see results that tell us we're doing something well.
Relationships don't come with scorecards.
We can love someone deeply and still make mistakes.
We can be a good friend and sometimes be too busy to call.
We can be a good partner and still disagree, become frustrated or say something we wish we had said differently.
We can be good parents and still question decisions we've made.
Confidence in our personal relationships doesn't mean believing we always get everything right.
It means trusting the intentions and values behind the way we show up while being willing to recognize when we could do better.
There is confidence in saying:
I was wrong.
There is confidence in apologizing.
There is confidence in asking:
What do you need from me?
And there is confidence in recognizing that you cannot be everything to everyone all the time.
Maybe instead of constantly asking whether we're good enough, we can ask something more useful:
Am I showing up for the people I love in a way that reflects the person I want to be?
If the answer isn't always yes, that doesn't automatically mean you've failed.
Maybe it simply means there's something to work on.
Confidence isn't believing you have nothing left to improve.
It's being secure enough to recognize both what you give and where you still have room to grow.
Making Important Decisions With Confidence
Then there are moments when confidence becomes much bigger than how we carry ourselves.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that could change our lives.
A new job.
A move.
Ending something.
Beginning something.
Taking a risk.
Choosing the safer option.
We want confidence to feel like certainty.
We want enough information to guarantee we're making the right decision.
But important decisions rarely work that way.
We can research.
We can ask questions.
We can talk to people we trust.
We can consider the risks and consequences.
Eventually, though, we have to decide.
Being confident in a decision doesn't mean knowing exactly how everything will turn out.
It means knowing you considered what you could, listened to yourself and made the best decision you could with the information you had at that moment.
And if circumstances change later, you can make another decision.
Changing direction doesn't automatically mean the first decision was wrong.
Sometimes life simply gives us new information.
Confidence Is Built by Using It
I don't think confidence suddenly appears one morning.
We build it through experiences.
You do something that makes you uncomfortable.
Then you discover you survived it.
You speak when you would normally stay quiet.
You have the difficult conversation.
You make the decision.
You admit when you're wrong.
You try something you aren't completely sure you can do.
Every experience teaches you something.
Sometimes it teaches you that you're better at something than you thought.
Sometimes it shows you what you still need to learn.
And sometimes you fail.
But even failure can build confidence when you realize that making a mistake didn't destroy you.
You learned something.
You adjusted.
You kept going.
And the next time you face something difficult, you don't walk into it as the same person.
You already have the experience of the last time behind you.
That's how confidence grows.
Not all at once.
One experience at a time.
You Don't Have to Feel Confident to Act Confident
There will probably always be situations that make us nervous.
There will always be bigger responsibilities, unfamiliar rooms, difficult conversations and decisions without guaranteed outcomes.
There may always be moments when we question whether we're doing enough for the people we love.
Confidence doesn't mean those doubts disappear.
It means they don't automatically control us.
You don't have to know everything.
You don't have to be the loudest person in the room.
You don't have to get every decision right.
You don't have to be perfect in your relationships.
And you certainly don't have to wait until all your doubts disappear before you move forward.
Sometimes you act with confidence first.
Then you do it again.
And again.
Until one day, you notice something has changed.
The room that once intimidated you doesn't anymore.
The conversation you once avoided becomes easier.
You stop apologizing before sharing your ideas.
You make a difficult decision without needing everyone else to approve it.
You recognize your mistakes without allowing them to define you.
And the voice you once questioned becomes one you're more willing to trust.
Maybe that's what building confidence really looks like.
Not becoming fearless.
Not believing you have all the answers.
Not becoming someone you're not.
Becoming more comfortable trusting yourself.