Some people seem to make friends wherever they go.
They can walk into a room, start a conversation with someone they have never met, exchange phone numbers, and a week later they are having coffee together.
I have always admired people who can do that.
Because I have never been one of them.
I have always been shy when it comes to making friends. And for a long time, I thought that was strange because in other areas of my life, I can be very confident.
At work, I can walk into a room full of people and speak. I can lead a meeting. I can make decisions. I can have difficult conversations. I can introduce myself and talk to people I have never met before.
But friendship feels different.
When there is no job title, no meeting, no reason that requires me to start the conversation, suddenly that confidence becomes much harder to find.
Sometimes the Hardest Part Is the First Move
I think one of the biggest reasons making friends has always been difficult for me is something very simple:
I am afraid they won’t find me interesting.
I might meet someone and think, I would really like to get to know her better.
I might want to ask if she wants to have coffee, go shopping, have lunch, or simply spend some time together.
But then the questions start.
What if she says no?
What if she already has enough friends?
What if she doesn’t really want to spend time with me?
What if I misunderstood the connection completely?
So instead of asking, I stay quiet and miss the opportunity to get to know that person.
I wait for the other person to make the first move.
And sometimes they do.
But most of the time, they don’t.
Moving Away Changes Friendship Too
Moving to another country changed friendship for me in ways I don’t think I completely understood when I first left Italy.
I still have friends from my past. Those friendships matter to me, and distance doesn’t erase the history we share.
But having a friend thousands of miles away is different from having someone nearby.
Sometimes you want a friend you can call and say:
Do you want to get coffee?
Do you want to go shopping?
Do you want to come over?
Or simply:
I need someone to talk to today.
Life changes, people move, families grow, careers become demanding, and suddenly the friendships that once happened naturally require much more effort.
And when you are already someone who finds it difficult to make the first move, starting again can feel even harder.
I Don’t Need a Large Circle
I have never wanted twenty friends.
I don’t need a huge group of people around me.
What I want is much simpler.
I want a few people with whom I can be completely myself.
People I can laugh with. People I can trust. People who can sit at my kitchen table without everything having to be planned perfectly.
The kind of friendship where you don’t have to wonder constantly whether you belong.
And maybe that is another reason I have always found friendship difficult.
I don’t want a friendship simply so I can say I have friends.
I want something genuine.
Friendship Shouldn’t Require You to Become Someone Else
There is a lot of advice about making friends that basically tells shy people to stop being shy.
Go out more.
Talk to strangers.
Join everything.
Say yes to every invitation.
Put yourself out there.
And maybe some of that can help.
But I don’t believe you should have to change your entire personality just to have meaningful relationships.
Being quiet doesn’t mean you don’t want connection.
Being shy doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to say.
And needing time before you feel comfortable with someone doesn’t mean you are bad at friendship.
Maybe the goal isn’t to become the person who walks into every room and immediately makes five new friends.
Maybe the goal is simply to become a little more willing to recognize an opportunity when it appears.
Sometimes One Small Invitation Is Enough
Making the first move doesn’t have to be dramatic.
It can be:
Would you like to grab coffee sometime?
Do you want to go for a walk?
I’m going shopping Saturday. Do you want to come?
There is always a possibility that the answer will be no.
And when you are already questioning whether someone will find you interesting or want to spend time with you, that possibility can feel enormous.
But a no doesn’t necessarily mean someone doesn’t like you.
People are busy. They have families, work, responsibilities, and their own lives happening behind the scenes.
And sometimes the answer will be yes.
That one small invitation might be the beginning of a friendship neither person would have had otherwise.
Don’t Put Your Life on Hold While You’re Waiting
There is another lesson I think is important.
Wanting more friendship in your life shouldn’t mean waiting for someone else before you live it.
If you want to go somewhere, go.
If you want to try a new restaurant, try it.
If you want to take a class, travel, walk through a festival, visit a museum, or spend an afternoon somewhere beautiful, you don’t always need someone beside you before you can enjoy it.
Friendship can add something wonderful to our lives.
But our lives shouldn’t stop while we’re waiting for friendship to arrive.
And sometimes, ironically, living your own life is how you eventually meet the people who belong in it.
What If You Never Ask?
I am still shy.
I still hesitate.
I still sometimes hope the other person will make the first move so I don’t have to wonder whether they really want to spend time with me.
I haven’t suddenly become the person who walks into a room and leaves with five new friends.
And that’s okay.
But I am beginning to realize something else.
When I stay quiet, I protect myself from hearing no. But I also never get the chance to hear yes.
I don’t know whether that person would have wanted to get coffee with me. I don’t know whether she would have enjoyed spending time together. I don’t know whether an acquaintance could have eventually become a close friend.
Because I never asked.
And maybe that is the part I need to work on—not becoming less shy or changing who I am, but giving myself permission to take that small chance.
Sometimes a friendship might not go anywhere.
Sometimes the invitation might be declined.
And sometimes two people simply won’t connect in the way we hoped.
But sometimes one small question could open a door that otherwise would have stayed closed.
Would you like to get coffee?
Maybe the answer will be no.
But maybe it will be yes.
And I think I am finally realizing that I would rather know than always wonder what might have happened if I had asked. ❤️
Life changes. We change with it.