We've all heard some version of it.
Think positive.
Look on the bright side.
Everything happens for a reason.
It could always be worse.
Sometimes those words help.
Other times, especially when we're going through something genuinely difficult, they're probably the last thing we want to hear.
Because positive thinking doesn't make the problem disappear.
It doesn't pay an unexpected bill.
It doesn't fix a relationship.
It doesn't change a medical diagnosis.
It doesn't bring back something we've lost.
And it certainly doesn't mean that when something bad happens, it's because we weren't positive enough.
So if positive thinking can't control what happens to us, does it actually matter?
I think it does—but perhaps not in the way we sometimes imagine.
When Something Bad Has Already Happened
Sometimes something bad and completely unexpected happens.
Our first reaction may naturally be anger, fear, frustration or disappointment. There's nothing wrong with that.
But once something has happened, focusing only on everything negative about it isn't going to resolve the problem.
The car is still broken.
The unexpected bill still needs to be paid.
The bad news hasn't changed.
What can change is the amount of additional stress we create around it.
We can spend hours thinking:
Why does this always happen to me?
Everything is going wrong.
I can't deal with this.
But those thoughts don't solve what happened. They can simply increase the stress we're already experiencing because of it.
Positive thinking doesn't mean saying, It's fine.
Maybe it isn't fine.
It means eventually getting to:
This happened. I don't like it. I'm stressed about it. But focusing only on how terrible it is isn't going to fix it. What can I do now?
Sometimes there isn't anything positive about what happened.
Sometimes positivity is simply about not adding more stress to a situation that is already difficult enough.
Positive Thinking Isn't Pretending Everything Is Fine
There is a difference between positive thinking and refusing to acknowledge reality.
If something hurts, it hurts.
If we're angry, disappointed, worried or afraid, those feelings don't suddenly become unhealthy simply because they're negative.
Sometimes life is difficult, and telling ourselves everything is wonderful when it clearly isn't doesn't make us positive.
It makes us dishonest with ourselves.
Positive thinking, at least the way I see it, is something different.
It's being able to acknowledge:
This is difficult. I don't like what is happening. I may not even know how this is going to turn out. But I'm not going to assume that the worst possible outcome is the only possible outcome.
That small difference can affect what we do next.
One Bad Moment Doesn't Have to Become a Bad Day
Imagine waking up late.
You're already rushing.
Then you spill your coffee.
Traffic is terrible.
Someone says something that irritates you.
At that point, it's easy to think:
This entire day is going to be horrible.
And once we've decided that, we start noticing everything that confirms it.
Another inconvenience becomes proof.
Another irritating person becomes proof.
Another mistake becomes proof.
By lunchtime, we're no longer experiencing several frustrating moments.
We're experiencing a terrible day.
But maybe those things can simply be what they were.
You woke up late.
You spilled your coffee.
Traffic was awful.
Someone annoyed you.
None of those things were enjoyable.
But none of them have to decide what happens during the next eight hours.
Sometimes positive thinking isn't about finding something wonderful in a bad situation.
It's simply about not giving one bad moment permission to take over everything that comes after it.
Don't Decide How the Story Ends Before It Starts
Our thoughts can also influence our actions.
When we enter a situation already expecting it to go badly, we may behave differently because of that expectation.
They're probably going to say no.
I'm going to embarrass myself.
This isn't going to work.
Why bother?
We hesitate.
We hold ourselves back.
Sometimes we don't try at all.
Positive thinking doesn't guarantee that someone will say yes or that everything will work.
It simply leaves room for another possibility.
They might say yes.
Maybe I'll do better than I think.
Let's see what happens.
We don't have to convince ourselves that everything will turn out perfectly.
Sometimes we simply need to stop deciding how the story ends before it has even started.
Putting Positivity Into the World
Years ago, my husband bought The Secret, and we both read it.
At the time, he became interested in the idea that what we put into the world can somehow come back to us.
He doesn't necessarily live by every part of that philosophy today, but one part stayed with him.
Throughout the year, when we go out to eat, he'll sometimes notice an elderly couple, an elderly person eating alone or a retired military member and quietly pay for their meal.
He doesn't do it for recognition.
Toward the end of our meal, though, he'll often start talking with them.
That's the part I love watching.
You can see people's faces change.
A conversation begins.
Stories are shared.
People smile.
If there isn't someone he feels drawn to buy a meal for, he'll often leave our server a much larger tip instead.
He believes that putting something positive into someone else's life will eventually bring positivity back into ours.
Whether someone believes in that philosophy or not, I've seen something else happen because of it.
The positivity has already gone somewhere.
It reached another person.
A Sandwich, a Conversation and a Difficult Day
One experience in particular has stayed with me.
One day, we stopped at Jersey Mike's to get sandwiches.
In front of us was an elderly married couple. After they chose their sandwiches, my husband quietly told the cashier that he wanted to pay for their meal.
When their food was ready, he walked outside with them toward their car while I stayed inside waiting to order ours.
When he came back, he told me about their conversation.
They were having a very difficult morning.
The husband had recently received serious news about his health, and understandably, their spirits weren't very high.
My husband talked with them and gave them some encouraging words.
He couldn't change the diagnosis.
He couldn't fix what they were going to have to face.
But something had changed.
They left happier than when they walked in.
None of us knew what they were going through when my husband decided to pay for their sandwiches.
It was simply an act of kindness toward two strangers.
But on that particular day, those strangers happened to need a little kindness.
Their problem didn't disappear.
But for a few minutes, their day became a little lighter.
Does Positivity Come Back to Us?
My husband believes it does.
He believes that when we put positive intentions and kindness into the world, somehow they find their way back to us.
Can I prove that?
No.
But I'm not sure I need to.
Because I've seen what happens to the person receiving it.
Someone unexpectedly discovers their meal has been paid for.
A retired military member realizes that a stranger wanted to thank them in a quiet way.
A server finishes a shift with a larger tip than expected.
Someone going through a frightening moment receives encouragement from a person they had never met before.
Maybe those people go home and do something kind for someone else.
Maybe they don't.
But for that moment, something positive happened in their lives.
And maybe that's one way positivity really does come back to us.
Not necessarily because the universe rewards us with something we asked for, but because doing something good changes the experience of the person receiving it and the person giving it.
Positivity Can Become Something We Do
Positive thinking doesn't have to exist only inside our heads.
Sometimes it becomes action.
Smile at someone.
Give a genuine compliment.
Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while.
Encourage someone who's struggling.
Be patient with someone who's having a difficult day.
Leave the bigger tip when you can.
Help without needing everyone to know you helped.
None of these things will change the entire world.
But they may change a few minutes of someone's world.
And the truth is, we rarely know what another person is carrying when we meet them.
That's what the experience at Jersey Mike's reminded me of.
A small act to us may arrive during a very big moment in someone else's life.
But Can We Become Too Positive?
There is another side to this.
Positivity can become unhealthy when we use it to avoid reality.
There are times when we need to admit something isn't working.
There are relationships we shouldn't keep excusing.
There are financial problems we can't solve by simply believing everything will work itself out.
There are mistakes we need to take responsibility for.
And sometimes anger, disappointment or unhappiness is exactly what pushes us to make a necessary change.
Personal growth isn't about becoming someone who never thinks negatively.
It's about learning the difference between a negative thought that is helping us recognize a real problem and negativity that is simply making an already difficult situation harder.
Maybe Positive Thinking Is Simpler Than We Make It
Positive thinking isn't magic.
It isn't pretending bad things don't happen.
It isn't smiling through every difficult moment.
And it doesn't guarantee that everything will work out exactly the way we want.
Maybe it's much simpler.
When something bad happens, we can acknowledge it without allowing our thoughts to multiply the stress we're already carrying.
When one thing goes wrong, we don't have to decide everything is going wrong.
When we're uncertain about an outcome, we can leave room for the possibility that something might go right.
And when we have the opportunity, we can put a little positivity into someone else's life.
Sometimes we receive it.
Sometimes we create it.
Sometimes we're the person having the terrible morning who needs a stranger to remind us that there's still kindness in the world.
And sometimes we get to be the stranger.
Positive thinking may not always change what happens to us.
But it can change what we do with what happens—and sometimes, what we choose to do can change someone else's day too.